I’m not sure when “battlestation” became synonymous with “nice desk,” but I’m here to tell you we’ve been misusing the phrase. Our imaginations weren’t big enough. My PC gaming desk is not a true battlestation, because it doesn’t take the form of a gigantic scorpion, which looks less like a desk and more like a nightmarish mech that could at any moment gain sentience and a taste for human flesh. Now this is a battlestation.
The Cluvens scorpion “cockpit” actually is motorized, transforming from a ‘relaxed’ incline to an upright desk. The keyboard tray slides into place in front of your lap (trapping you, incidentally). The arm, which can hold up to three 29″ monitors (or a 49″ ultrawide), folds down in front of you, enveloping your entire field of view. Cluvens announced this chair only a few days ago, but I honestly can’t believe it hasn’t somehow appeared in a movie about evil hackers already.
You can easily picture this thing in a fight. It’s practically a Droideka already. It’d just break off its monitor arm at the tip and use the jagged metal and exposed cables as a stinger. The legs already move as it transforms, a horrifying image if you have an insect phobia or carpeted floors. We’ve seen similar designs to this transforming desk, but none of them had scorpion feet, which really changes the vibe of the whole thing.
Cluvens knows the image it’s projecting here, and the absurdity of its creation. Its website offers the assurance that “the Scorpion’s claws look a little sharp, but they actually got rounded corners. So you don’t have to worry about getting cut by the corners.”
Somehow, I’m still worried. The “notes” section suggests that you “avoid putting any of your own body parts between any mechanical moving parts when adjusting the cockpit,” and also stay well clear of it during the initial setup. I’m not going to guess at how many ways that could go wrong. On the bright side, there’s this: it’s also a massage chair.
“The chair even comes with a massage and heating function so you can enjoy some quality time while you’re making yourself look like the ultimate villain,” the site says.
The Scorpion is made of “industrial grade carbon steel” and its electronics are covered by a two year warranty. It supports a weight of up to 276 pounds (124 kg), which is just slightly more than it weighs, itself. It costs $3,299 USD and comes in only one color: Black. And yes, of course, it has built-in color LEDs. This is the one true battlestation. Someone needs to play Crysis on it, stat.