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Every type of Fall Guy, classified

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It’s funny now to remember that, before Fall Guys (BFG), we all naively thought we had identities; that we’d built personalities around professions and family roles and musical subcultures. Then the noble game of bumble royale was invented and these fragile fabrications slipped away, leaving behind an innate, primal way of being—defined for each of us long before adulthood, before birth even, baked into our DNA like gelatin into a sugar-coated bean.

Scientists and anthropologists may still be working out the implications for our brains and societies, but journalists are unbound by red tape, peer reviews or evidence-based research. So there’s nothing to prevent me from just straight-up listing every kind of Fall Guy there is. As a human bean, you fall under one of these headers; the only question left is whether you can accept it.

Fruit Amnesiac

(Image credit: Devolver Digital)

Here follows a rough transcript of a Fruit Amnesiac’s final thoughts, translated from pure panic into English:

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